The Chupacabra Made Me Do It! Or Not Do It! I'm Confused.

Alright. Pathetically this post was started on 3/31. Sad, I know. And I can't even remember why I didn't finish it. Probably something really important like a chupacabra siting or something. Regardless, my negligence is unacceptable and I should be spanked soundly. I even promise not to like it.

So here is what I had so far. If you're lucky I might even add a little sumfin-sumfin afterward:

So this morning I was leaving to take DH to work and go to the doctor. When we walked out of the lobby we saw this:


I almost peed myself laughing. You would think if the guy took the time to write the note and then put it on the paper, he would've at least taken the paper with him! Anyway, it was a funny way to start the day. Unfortunately it only got worse from there.

So I'm sitting at the doctor's office waiting for my turn and hear someone checking in. I swear the receptionist said: "Ok. And I will destroy your soul." I'm pretty sure she didn't say that, but that's what I heard. And I can't think of anything that even remotely sounds like that, so I have no idea what she really said. Granted, I left out this tidbit of information when I went in to talk to the doctor. Lord knows what would have happened if I told him!

And I don't know if I blogged about this before, and if I did you get to hear it again, but when I'm in a doctor's office, I want to know what everyone has. I try to guess, but that doesn't really work in a therapist's wait room. Now if you were in an emergency room, it might be a little easier. "Oh, I wonder what's wrong with that guy. Let's see. Nail in head, bleeding from ear. Hmmmm. Broken leg? No. Heart attack? Maybe..."

I know. I know. Fascinating stuff! Try to keep yourself contained!

And I can't think of anything else to say right now. I'm distracted by Scrabble on Facebook and sending pictures of Pee Wee's Playhouse characters to Oompa Loompa. (Yeah. Try to figure that one out! It's all true. I swear.)

Now Presenting: Soda Wars

So. I am f'in exhausted. I keep having these weird dreams which are so vivid I don't get any sleep. Photo above is Exhibit A. My dream last night: the differences between Sprite and ginger ale. Seriously? Seriously. And there was no one else in my dream. Just my dream-self thinking about the differences between the two. What. The. Hell?!?!? If anyone out there has a dream dictionary that covers soda wars please let me know.

Ok. Let's see. You all already know the shitty day I had yesterday. Well, just when I thought it was over (after I wrote the post), I had a bottle of soda (Ghetto Sprite* to be exact) explode all over me. Then my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day was finally over. *store brand lemon-lime soda. I only buy the best.

Now for a treat! I'm pulling some stories/thoughts out of the vault. Stupid stuff I've done and weird ideas I've had. Ready or not, here I come!

• I hate Listerine. I guzzled gallons of it when I got my tongue pierced. For those of you non-piercees, Listerine is needed to prevent the piercing from getting infected and your tongue turning black and falling off. So I hate Listerine. I hate the smell, the taste, everything. Well, I'm at the dentist's office waiting for my DH and I have to use the potty. (Yes. I said potty. Back off.) So I do what I do and then go to wash my hands. There was a Listerine bottle in there. I thought "Aw. How cute. They put the soap in a Listerine bottle because it's a dentist's office, etc. etc." WRONG! It was Listerine...and I washed my hands with it. Smart, I know. I never claimed to be MENSA material. Well, when I was looking for paper towels, I found the cups. Wish I had seen them before...that woulda tipped me off. So, I wash my hands with SOAP and dry them and they still reek. So I throw on some of this awesome hand cream I have. It's potent and smells like coconut. Bad idea. Now I had coconut encrusted Listerine hands. *sigh* At least DH got a kick out of me intermittently smelling my hands all day to see if they had de-stinkified.

• As some of you know, I've been looking for work for...*checks watch* four months now. Long time, right? I'm starting to think I have a tail or horns I don't know about. The most I've gotten were two telephone interviews. One I had to take a weird test for. (note to self, do not agree to anymore personality tests which obviously get you nowhere) So I'm searching and searching...and I get so frustrated. Recruitment agencies have taken over Monster.ca and are starting their attack on Craigslist.com. The only site which seems immune is Workopolis which allows you to block recruiters. But anyway, this isn't the point of this little rant. The point is what employers want you to do for free. Yes. I said free. I'm talking about volunteer and internships. Now, I'm all for volunteering and interning...good for you if you can afford to work and not get paid for it. But some of the postings I'm talking about are full time positions and are work intense! I wouldn't do some of that work for $15/hr nevermind for free! I know, I know, the experience, it looks good on a resume, blah blah blah. If you are able to do it for free, you have too much money and need to come over and give some to me. My joblessness has allowed me to work on my art. Several of my creations are available at the Plastik Wrap boutique located at 2235 Dundas West in Toronto. My work can also be found at Kaotic Ekko's Curiosities. There isn't much up there yet, but it's coming! And you can see a bunch of my art, past and present, at We're All A Little Mad Here <-- shameless plugs, I know. :D

Alright. That's all for today everybody. I've been working on this too damn long (I have the attention span of a 5 year old) and I have to save some of my intellectual awakenings for next time. Goodbye and good night!

Unlucky: (adj) marked by adversity or failure (see also "cursed")

Good news everyone! I spoke with the fraud department of the bank and they're putting my $500 back. I just have to sign an affidavit saying it was stolen...no prob cause that's exactly what happened! If I ever find out who that scumbag is...

That just solves one of my woes, though. I had a pretty shitty day today: broke my favorite coffee mug from Atlanta, walked into a door, the store was out of 2% milk, and I knocked my container of laundry detergent down the stairs bringing in groceries, making a HUGE mess all over our shoes. Fun times. If there was an award for getting shit on, I'd get first prize.

I don't know if anyone else has as hard a time as I do containing my rage at those who were put on this earth to annoy us intelligent people. I'm pulled over on a side road downtown waiting for my DH to get his hair cut. It only takes about 2 seconds because he doesn't have any hair and his dresser is that damn good. (Shout out to Mike B.!) So I'm just waiting instead of parking because I'm cheap and don't want to give the City of Toronto any more money than I already do. Plus parking downtown is insane, both logistically and financially. So this yuppie douche bag comes FLYING around the corner and pulls up behind me...so close that his bumper is almost touching mine (I know because I got out and looked). And of course he has this posh black car (may have been a Beamer, I don't know) but the funny thing is that he went around to ALL FOUR DOORS locking them. You'd think he'd have a remote...with that nice car and all. Unless he's a wannabe yuppie who could only afford the Beamer Lite package. :P Anyway, so I'm completely blocked in because I pulled up close behind the car in front of me because (a) there was no one parked in front of them; and (b) I didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to park behind me where anyone turning onto the street could take off their back end! It's times like these that I wish it were legal to throw your car in reverse and floor it. How good that would feel! I would be satisfied with just slashing his tires. But, alas, there are laws.


Well, I've been very negative lately. Let's see if we can find some positives:

* I had sushi today
* the car didn't break down
* the grocery store had discounted Easter candy (mmm...peanut butter cups)
* the shoes I dumped detergent on are really clean
* there was sunshine today and the temperature was above freezing
* I didn't die in a freak elephant stampede or otherwise

I guess that's a start. You know, I keep notes throughout the day so I can remember things to tell you wonderful folks. I have some stuff down, but this post is too long already. I guess I'll wait for a day where nothing bad happens... *crosses fingers but doesn't hold breath*

Animated Gifs Prevent Blood Bath

So. We still haven't gotten our money back from the bank. For those of you who missed the last blog: 1. *kick* and 2. some scummy dirtbag stole $500 from our bank account. I've been waiting for the bank's fraud department to call, but nothing yet.

To make myself feel better I decided to teach myself to make animated gifs. Nothing like learning something new to stem the bile and anger rising inside you along with the carnal need for bloody revenge. Animated gifs are my anti-revenge killing! So I finish my thingie (animation? cartoon? art video?) and sent it to render or compress or whatever the hell it does. So it's whizzing and whirring doing its thang and then grinds to a halt. Just freezes. Did I save it? Nooooooo...cause that'd be smart. So hit escape, escape, escape, control alt delete, control alt delete...finally it comes out of its funk. Time to start over. Send it with trepidation to do whatever again ... And I don't know if anyone else does this but I sat VERY still. Like moving might screw up the internal program. I know it sounds irrational and weird but I do it! Or I'll walk away...like the computer's not going to function properly with me staring at it.

Regardless, it worked and I got this:

NOTHING!

The file size is too large to upload anywhere. And then when I lowered the quality it looked like shit. So I uploaded the lower quality one here and it doesn't animate. So I've given up. If you need me you can find me under the couch in a fetal position. But only bother me if you have ice cream and/or kittens...



Cat smilie from: DSO

HAPPY ZOMBIE JESUS DAY!

New Episode: My Life Sucks

Hello! And welcome back to My Life Sucks. I'm your host tonight! Now let's get started! Where were we the last time we left our hero? Ah, yes! Bitching about winter. Well, it hasn't gotten much better lately, but there hasn't been more snow!

On this episode of My Life Sucks we deal with rude customer service personnel, bad drivers, senior citizens and bank fraud...all in one day!

You know your day is going to suck if you wake up to find your internet is down. I will admit that I am an addict and that is the only step I am willing to take towards rehabilitation.

Next stop: Sobeys (for all you non-Torontonians, it's a grocery store) to pick up a couple things on sale. I got the RUDEST cashier EVER. Granted, she was probably in her teens and wasn't thrilled about being at work at 8am but still. When I worked at Dunkin Donuts I was there at 5am and still had a smile on my face (nevermind the fact that I was usually visualizing smashing jelly donuts in customers' faces). As if the bitchiness wasn't enough, my debit card didn't work. Luckily I had about $6 on me.

On to No Frills (grocery store number 2...because it'd be too easy for one store to have everything I need. And unfortunately I'm too poor to just say to hell with it). On my way to the store I almost get hit by some jackass in a red Prelude. He had to swerve into the other lane so he didn't rear-end me. That would've been fun.

Arrive at no Frills...SENIOR-RAMA! Plus everyone doing huge Easter shopping being the stores are closed tomorrow. Grab a cart, get in the door and am immediately smacked in the heels by a cart navigated by a man who only had wrinkles and denture paste holding him together. Oh stop moaning...I love old people. I do. But there comes a time where they either need to bring someone younger with them to say "Dad, watch out for that small goth girl" or they need to have their groceries delivered so they aren't driving cars or shopping carts. Shop shop shop. Try to use my debit card again...no luck. And then, on my way out, ANOTHER youth-challenged woman runs her shopping cart into my back. Mmmm hmmmm...it's a wonder I didn't end up on the news. Holy Thursday massacre in Toronto...only old people among the wounded....

Get home, drag in groceries. The stairs were cool when we first moved into the apartment but 2+ years later and the novelty is wearing off. It doesn't help that my cats try to kill me everytime I go up or down them. DH calls bank for me and woh hoh! Someone has fraudulently used my debit card and pin number to steal $500 out of our account. YAY!

Get back in car and go to bank. Get new card. Get back home and want to break something...preferably the thief's head. Apparently the investigation will take 2 weeks or so and we're out the money until they figure out what happened. Awesome. If anyone feels bad for me, feel free to send money. I'm kidding...ok, I'm not.

And this concludes today's episode of My Life Sucks. Thank you for watching and good night!

(Subliminal message: send me money)
(This production brought to you by: Send Me Money)

Blog-o-mania

Alright people. This is a blog for my hubby. MySpace is retarded with its RSS feed and makes him angry when he can't read my blog on his fancy mobile telephone device. So I'm going to be copying and pasting my insanity here...it'll just be a direct copy and I don't think there will be any independent posts here... I tried to do an RSS feed from MySpace into Blogger with no success so we're gonna do it the old fashioned way with some scissors and glue.

Anyone wanting to read the older posts on MySpace click here:
Vicodin and Pudding: The Original

So here's the last post from MySpace to get us rolling:

TTOTM Bitchfest

Current mood: cantankerous

Category: Life

Happy Daylight Savings Time Day! Another genius idea to fuck up your sleep cycle and make it seem like there's more light.

I am officially sick of winter. We recieved a lovely six inches yesterday and no one in the province of Ontario knows how to clear it properly. Then you hear about 300 car crashes and people wonder why. Waiting until the snow stops to clear it is RETARDED. Maybe we can get some people from Buffalo up here to give a tutorial. I'm glad I learned how to drive in the snow in Buffalo. Up here no one knows what they're doing. Guy whizzed by me doing 80km/h with the road covered in snow. I have to say, though, it was amusing trying to see him stop at the red light. Good times.

So I'm not complaining about the snow, perse, more about the City of Toronto and its incompetent drivers.

And I'm just cranky today so .

One funny thing tho, so this isn't a complete bitch-fest...I am addicted to rubber stamps. I stick them on everything. Well, last week I sent a receipt to our insurance company. On the back of the envelope I stamped "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig." I hope I brightened someone's day. Altho we still haven't gotten a reimbursement yet...

Sorry this wasn't more entertaining. It's hard to be funny when you feel like this:

I promise I'll do better when I climb out from under my rock...